@josephraymond

You know those epiphanies you have while taking a shower? Yeah, well I just had one.

In pondering why I tend to always do things in pattern, trying to justify that it’s human nature, that we all just go about doing things out of habit, out of ritual––motions; I came upon the realization that the current situation I find myself in, regarding a relationship with another person, is in essence because of the person I became while in a relationship three years ago.

In contemplation of this relationship, I became aware of how I gave up having a voice.
I gave up my voice, handed it over to someone else and did nothing to get it back. I don’t think one can fully understand what all is appended to that, but from what I’ve seen in my own life, the assessment of that has only just begun.

There’s so many things things I weigh myself down with, so many things I don’t like about myself, and I finally feel that maybe I have come to an understanding of why.

When you repress parts of your individuality, you either struggle to become someone else or you utterly fail at it, but the more revolting part of it all is that you fail to develop, establish, evolve, cultivate those pieces that make you, you—individual. Luckily, or maybe sadly, your mind doesn’t forget everything. Deep down, in the cavities between other more relevant memories, are bits and pieces of the real you trying to escape and be made free, almost so badly that it makes no difference what you try to do with your life, those bits and pieces of individuality are trying to take over. It’s frustrating and can also be depressing.

Before coming to this enlightenment, I thought I had been developing myself these past three or four years, I thought that I knew who I was. I thought all that I disliked of myself were things that truthfully needed to be changed. However, now I don’t know what to do with myself, quite frankly. How do I try to regain all that I’ve skipped out on? How do I grow into this “real” me? But more importantly in this very moment, how will my decisions to be more true to myself affect others?

All I know is that I need to regain my voice and work on letting my individuality come to fruition. It’s actually a bit intriguing that I would even have friends at all; or maybe it’s that the people in my life already see what I have been blind to for so many years.

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